Collaboration. Partnership. Trust.
We use these terms so often in our community work. But we never talk about how loaded these words are. How complicated. For many of us, these are trigger words for us. They remind us of how past collaboration has turned into competition. Partnerships have created resentment, chaos, and explosive conflict. Trust has been broken, leaving us feeling disrespected, confused, and wounded.
We all have stories about collaborative partnerships gone wrong. These stories often include discomfort. Pain. And in some cases, even trauma. Trauma that we face at the hands of coworkers. Administrators. Community members. Partnering organizations. Each trauma that we face chips away at our willingness to pursue partnership. Our ability to trust.
On top of the traumas that we face in the workplace, most of us have also experienced trauma in our personal lives. We are what psychotherapist Karl Jung referred to as “wounded healers.” Jung said of the wounded healer, “The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected. Only the wounded physician heals… It is the [helper’s] own hurt that gives the measure of his power to heal” (Merchant, 2012; Kirmayer, 2003). Jung suggested that our wounds propel our work forward in authentic, transformative ways. Many of us have used our wounds to create dynamic programs. Our wounds are what inspire us. They are what give us the strength to keep moving forward in the face of overwhelming barriers. But our wounds also make us vulnerable. And at times, afraid.
Trauma- whether workplace trauma- or trauma in our personal lives can make us feel exposed. Vulnerable. And to protect ourselves, we may be defensive. Closed off. Disconnected. Suspicious. Our defense mechanisms show up in our demeanor. In our attitudes. In our body language. In our conversations. We wear this armor to protect ourselves. And we bring this armor into the conversations that we have with coworkers, community members, and partnering organizations.
While our armor can protect us from potential trauma, it can also prevent us from building authentic, supportive relationships. Pickens (2016) says, “A history of trauma can create a filter for viewing the world as hostile.” Ford et al (2012) shares, “Having been terrified, intimidated, exploited, deceived, abandoned, rejected, betrayed, or insufficiently protected in key relationships… [people impacted by trauma] are understandably distrustful of current relationships.” Despite the negative ways that trauma impacts our relationships, we need relationships. Jordan (2004) says, “The yearning for and movement toward connection are seen as central organizing factors in people’s lives.” Herman (2015) shares, “Helplessness and isolation are the core experiences of psychological trauma. Empowerment and reconnection are the core experiences of recovery.”
This leaves us at a crossroads. People have harmed us. But people can also help us heal. Relationships have wounded us. But relationships can also strengthen and enliven our work. Partnerships have failed us. But partnerships can also propel our ideas, strengthen our networks, and support us all in growing stronger. Together.
As you work to build trusting, collaborative partnerships, I have four recommendations: (1) check yourself, (2) be curious, (3) always make space for hope, and (4) never forget the end goal.
Check Yourself
When a person reaches out to connect, check in with yourself. Are you armored up? Is this warranted (sometimes it is; not everyone is “safe”)? But if the armor isn’t warranted, check yourself. What may you be communicating through your body language? Demeanor. Attitude. Tone of voice. Is there anything that you can change? You don’t have to remove all of the armor, but are there any modifications you can make?
Be curious
Building relationships can feel intimidating to those of us who have histories of trauma. It’s hard for us to build an authentic connection with the person in front of us, because memories of past pain consume our minds. We start thinking of the “what ifs.” Or we jump ahead and start thinking about a future plan before we have even gotten to know the other person. Make an effort to approach conversations from a place of curiosity. Some of the most meaningful relationships I developed with other professionals started from a place of curiosity. And over time, those relationships organically evolved into some of the most fruitful, dynamic partnerships of my career.
Always make space for hope
Trauma often skews our perspective. It can cause us to over-emphasize the pain and overlook the good. Yes, we all have stories of failed partnerships. But we also have stories of successful relationships. Collaboration that has led to transformation. Healing. Growth. For every story of trauma, there are always stories of strength and resilience. In the same vein, for every story of failed collaboration, there are also stories of meaningful connection. But if we want to move past the trauma to build meaningful connections, we have to make space for hope.
Trauma tries to steal our hope. It tells us that things can never change. That no one can be trusted. That we are better off on our own. To counteract this message, we have to remind ourselves that despite the disconnection and chaos we experienced in the past, there are still opportunities for future collaboration and partnership. There is always room for hope.
Never forget the end goal
In a phone conversation I had with trauma expert Dr. Sandra Bloom, she told me about a book she was reading by Colin Mayer (2024). In the book, Mayer talks about remembering our higher calling—whether spiritual or humanitarian. I encourage you to remember the end goal. And the ultimate goal is not to get funding. It is to help people heal. Grow. Progress. Remember the point of it all. And connect with others with that end goal in mind. The end goal cuts across blocks. Neighborhoods. Organizations. Education. Titles. Rank. How can you find commonality based on the ultimate goal?
Bibliography
Ford, J., Chapman, J., Connor, D., Cruise, K. (2012). Complex trauma and aggression in secure juvenile justice settings. Criminal Justice and Behavior, 39 (6), 694-724.
Jordan, J. Walker, M., & Hartling, L. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center’s Jean Baker Miller Training. Guilford.
Kirmayer, L. (2003). Asklepian dreams: The ethos of the wounded-healer in the clinical encounter. Transcultural Psychiatry, 40 (2), 248-277.
Mayer, C. (2024). Capitalism and crises: How to fix them. Oxford.
Merchant, J. (2012). Shamans and analysts: New insights on the wounded healer. Routledge.
Pickens, I. (2016). Laying the groundwork: Conceptualizing a trauma-informed system of care in juvenile detention. Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy, 15 (3), 220-230.
